Love Yourself With Your Brain

Hi folks and welcome to February! This is a weird title for a post, right? Well, because I like a theme, and because it is February this month I’m going to be talking about love. Specifically, I’m going to be exploring self-love from different lenses because I figure we could all use a little more love and acceptance of ourselves. So today I’m focusing on how we can love ourselves better with our thoughts and mindset.

When you think about self-love, what comes up for you? Is it something you feel you’re pretty good at? Do you struggle with it? Do you even think it’s important?

Sometimes it feels hard or impossible to love ourselves with all of our difficulties, flaws, and imperfections. If the word “love” trips you up or seems out of reach, perhaps substitute it for “acceptance” or “compassion.” Like all concepts in therapy or self-help, accepting and loving ourselves is definitely a process and a practice. You aren’t going to be good at it right away, but finding small ways to practice self-love can build this muscle over time.

Notice Your Thoughts

One really important way to practice self-love is to watch how you talk to yourself. Our thoughts shape our realities in so many ways, so harnessing our thoughts is a powerful tool for loving ourselves better. Most of us talk to ourselves in our heads throughout the day, and we can often be so hard on ourselves in this inner dialogue. The first step is to notice that you are being harsh. In my work with clients, I find that they often are not even aware of just how negative their self-talk is. In these cases, we can spend many sessions talking about any number of topics, but my role becomes pointing out the instances of negative self-talk until the client can start to notice it themselves. If you have a hard time picking up on your negative self-talk, maybe ask a partner or trusted friend to gently call it out when they notice you are being mean to yourself. Writing it down can also be a great way to get some distance from your thoughts and see the overall tone and pattern of your self-talk.

Change Your Thoughts

Once you are able to notice negative self-talk at least some of the time (you don’t have to be perfect at it!), then it’s time to work on changing this way of speaking to yourself. One way of reframing your self-talk is to ask yourself if you would speak to your friend, your child, or your beloved pet the way you are speaking to yourself. You could also imagine yourself at a younger age and consider how you would talk to that younger version of yourself. This process is deceptively simple and surprisingly difficult to master. Just remember, it is a practice. You aren’t going to do it perfectly, but any time you say something compassionate or loving toward yourself instead of something mean or harsh is a step in the right direction.

Self-Love Versus Self-Improvement?

Throughout this month of self-love, you will notice that I will talk a lot about loving and accepting yourself just as you are right now in this moment. This is, again, a process that is ongoing for anyone on this journey. I don’t think anyone would say they have figured this out perfectly. One of the common quibbles someone has with this way of thinking is, “but if I accept myself for where I am now, I will never progress toward my self-improvement goals.” I believe and have witnessed that the more we accept and love ourselves and the less we blame and shame, the more we are freed up to pursue goals that matter to our true selves.

We can accept ourselves and expect more from ourselves at the same time. To give a personal example, I’m a huge reader and I love reading genre fiction: mysteries, thrillers, fantasy, etc. but I struggle to get motivated to read clinically focused books that would help me and my clients in my therapy practice. I could shame myself about this or tell myself that I “should” read clinical books or that “a good therapist” would want to read these books. I could even make rules about not reading “fun” books until I read at least a certain number of therapy-related books. But you know, what? I don’t think that would work, and I would abandon the goal completely or come to really dread ploughing through books that aren’t sparking the same kind of joy that a good mystery does. At the same time, I really do want to expand my clinical knowledge through reading, so instead I started a quarterly book club for therapists in my town where we will all read the same book and then come together to discuss it. This will provide accountability for me to read at least a few books on my list and is a fun way to get to know other therapists too. So, I can love and accept my true reading self while at the same time working toward goals and self-improvement. It’s all about mindset!

I hope this was helpful to some of you, and I’d love to hear what has helped you move in the direction of self-love. Or if you have questions around this topic, I always want to hear what you are wondering about. You can leave a comment here or on my Instagram or send me a DM or email. Next week I’m going to be discussing how we can love ourselves by identifying and meeting our needs and taking care of ourselves. It’s self-care, y’all, so don’t miss it!

Until then, take good care of yourself!

Meghan