Making Mealtimes More Manageable
Mmm, Mmm, Mmm! Hey parents of young kids, we’re talking about food and eating today! I know so many parents who have young kids that struggle with mealtimes. Whether it’s their child refusing to eat, being picky, or having poor behavior or manners, meals with small children can be really challenging. A couple of caveats before I go into my ideas and tips:
These tips are meant for children who are generally physically healthy. If you have larger health concerns, please see your child’s pediatrician.
I’ll be mainly speaking about children from the age that they are eating table food up to around 3rd or 4th grade. Some of the behavioral strategies could be applicable to older children but that’s not my focus today.
Ok, let’s go!
Division of Responsibilities
The idea of having a division of responsibilities when it comes to food and eating has been revolutionary for my parenting and for the clients I have worked with who have implemented this mindset. If you follow this model, it can solve the vast majority of eating struggles parents come up against. This idea comes from feeding therapist Ellyn Satter (www.ellynsatterinstitute.org). Her approach sets out jobs for the parent/caregiver and jobs for the child related to meals and eating. The adults’ job is to be in charge of the what, when, and where of feeding the child, and the child’s job is to determine whether and how much to eat. This is so simple and straightforward but mindblowing when you really think about it. Again, setting aside major health concerns, we can let our children be in charge of how much they eat!
To break this down a little further, Satter says that parents’ jobs with feeding are to:
Choose and prepare the food – We can and should choose the foods that WE like to eat. Meals with children don’t have to consist solely of chicken nuggets and hot dogs.
Provide regular meals and snacks – Children thrive on predictability, so we need to have a rough schedule of when meals and snacks will take place.
Make eating times pleasant – This is made easier when we can let go of our worries that our child isn’t eating enough. Put on some calm music, talk about whatever is on your child’s mind, try to make it enjoyable.
Step-by-step, show your child by example how to behave at family mealtime – If we want our child to have good table manners, we need to lead by example. We also need to confidently set limits when behavior problems continue.
Be considerate of your child’s lack of food experience without catering to likes and dislikes – This goes back to choosing foods. My rule of thumb is to always have at least one thing on the plate that I know my child likes.
Not let your child have food or beverages (except for water) between meal and snack times – This can be a hard one if you’ve gotten in the habit of letting your child constantly graze. I promise meals will go so much better if you set boundaries around eating so that they are actually hungry for the next meal or snack. This also helps them learn that if they decide not to eat much at a given meal, they don’t then get to eat something else that they prefer 10 minutes later.
Let your child grow into the body that is right for them – This goes to trusting that our child is growing and developing appropriately. Body diversity is a thing. Starting at birth, babies and children come in all different sizes and shapes, and despite what our culture tells us, there is not a “correct” size or shape for bodies to be.
Now for our child’s responsibilities. Part of our job as parents is to trust our children to
Eat the amount they need – Not questioning or forcing them to eat more or less helps our child learn about their natural hunger and fullness cues leading to more balanced eating habits for life.
Learn to eat the food you eat – Children can and will develop their palates over time and introducing them to various flavors and textures is part of that process.
Grow predictably in the way that is right for them – Again, see above about body diversity.
Learn to behave well at mealtime – When we model good behavior and set limits, children can learn what is appropriate and expected.
Holy Paradigm Shift!
If you’ve not been running your mealtimes this way and want to start, expect there to be push back from your children on some of this. Also expect to run up against some internal battles yourself if you aren’t used to allowing your child to decide when they are done eating. Feeding our children is such an essential aspect of parenting that our ability to tolerate struggles around it is often very low. Our children can sense when we don’t feel confident in upholding boundaries around sitting at the table while eating or grazing between meals, for example, and can easily push our buttons and get us to cave. We must play the long game and be mindful of what habits we are setting up for our children.
More Resources
If you want more information about any of this, definitely visit Ellyn Satter’s website linked above. There are tons of articles you can read about her approach. Also, the parenting podcast, 3 in 30, just had an interview with a mom of kids who had multiple more severe eating and feeding issues, so if that applies to you, give it a listen for some ideas and encouragement. And if you would like individualized coaching around this or any other parenting struggles, please don’t hesitate to reach out via email or by scheduling a consultation call using the scheduling tab above!
Until next week, take good care of yourself!
Meghan