Lessons from field work - You're going to screw up, and that's ok.

Hello and welcome back to this, the final installment in my series sharing some lessons I learned in my social work field experiences. Thanks for hanging out with me on memory lane during National Social Workers Month. Like the others, this last bit of wisdom is one that keeps coming back in different guises again and again in my life. Maybe you can relate.

Like many of us when we’re learning something new, I was very concerned about making mistakes in my internships. And unlike failing a test or not making the team, the stakes felt extremely high because my mistakes could affect people’s actual lives. This was a Big Deal!

But guess what? No matter what, whether you’re learning something new or you’ve done it a hundred times...

You’re going to screw up.

And that’s ok.

I planned to share some examples of mistakes I made in my field placements, but you know what’s funny? As I sit here trying to think of specific examples of times I screwed up as an intern, none are coming to my mind. I remember being afraid to mess up, and I know for sure that I did make mistakes. But what comes to mind are mistakes I’ve made in the last several months rather than ones from 10 years ago.

So what can we learn from that? My takeaway is that, with the exception of truly life-altering mistakes, which are exceedingly rare, most of our screw ups do not matter in the grand scheme of our careers, relationships, and lives or the lives of anyone else. And I bet that we often let them take up more real estate in our minds and for longer amounts of time than they deserve.

Of course, we should do what we can to minimize mistakes, especially when it comes to working with people who are struggling or vulnerable in some way. This is one of the reasons professional ethics are so important. At the same time, we are all human, even therapists! And perfectionism is a sly and destructive tendency.

Perfectionism says, “What’s wrong with always pushing myself to do better?” “Shouldn’t we all have high standards for ourselves?” In my own self-reflection as well as my work with clients, these ideas often cover up the true root of perfectionism - fear. We fear that if we mess up we will be unlovable, be seen for the frauds we are, or be judged harshly by others. Perfectionism keeps us stuck in the feeling that we have to do things perfectly in order to be ok with ourselves. Perfectionism tells us to wait to do something until we know 100% for sure that we are going to be successful at it.

But you know what? Life isn’t like that. As uncomfortable as it is, we have to try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, if we ever hope to try and succeed. If we let our past mistakes or the fear of making new messes get in the way of our goals and aspirations, we’re going nowhere fast. Little kids are great at this. Have you ever noticed that? With proper emotional support and encouragement, children can be extremely persistent and don’t mind making messes along the way. It’s only later in childhood that being ashamed of mistakes becomes an issue. It’s a learned behavior, which means we can unlearn it if we try.

I have so many more thoughts around this topic that will probably come in later posts. Until then, if you would like to work on your own perfectionism or get support for your child who struggles with shame, anxiety, or perfectionism, give me a call. I’d love to connect with you!

Take good care of yourself,

Meghan

PS: One of my favorite authors who writes about this subject is Brene Brown (a fellow social worker)! She has written several amazing books on perfectionism, shame resilience, and living a whole-hearted life that I urge you to check out if you’re interested in further reading.